Wisdom That Holds

I've Wanted Discipline My Whole Life

Wed, 23 Sep 2026 00:00:00 GMT

I’ve wanted to be more disciplined and more spiritual for my entire life. That’s not an exaggeration.

I come up with great ideas all the time. Following through is a different story. I have ADHD, and the idea is the exciting part. The day-after-day work that comes after it is where I lose the thread.

For decades, my spiritual life was pretty much nonexistent. Not because I didn’t care. I’ve always been drawn to it, for some reason. But I’d get pulled away. And if I’m honest, sometimes I put it off on other people and used them as the excuse. Sometimes I was just afraid of what others might think of me.

Recently that started to change. A few good days in a row, then a few more. It doesn’t sound like much. After decades, it’s a lot.

What Sirach 6 says about discipline

I was reading Sirach 6 and highlighted this:

“My son, gather instruction from thy youth up: so shalt thou find wisdom till thine old age.”

Sirach 6:18

Sirach is part of the Ethiopian Orthodox Bible.

What I appreciate about this chapter is that it doesn’t pretend discipline feels good. It says wisdom lies on the undisciplined person like a heavy stone, and they throw it off before long. That’s honest. Discipline feels like a burden at first.

Then it uses a farming picture:

“Come unto her as one that ploweth and soweth, and wait for her good fruits.”

Sirach 6:19

You don’t start with the harvest. You start with plowing and sowing, the plain, repetitive work nobody sees. The fruit comes later. For someone like me, whose brain loves the idea and gets bored in the middle, that verse is almost too accurate.

It isn’t all willpower

This is the part that gave me some hope. The chapter doesn’t say “grit your teeth and force it.” It says to go looking:

“Search, and seek, and she shall be made known unto thee.”

Sirach 6:27

And it says not to do it alone:

“Stand in the multitude of the elders; and cleave unto him that is wise.”

Sirach 6:34

Then the chapter ends here:

“Let thy mind be upon the ordinances of the Lord and meditate continually in his commandments: he shall establish thine heart, and give thee wisdom at thine own desire.”

Sirach 6:37

So discipline isn’t the goal by itself. It’s the path that puts me where God can give me what I can’t produce on my own. I don’t have to white-knuckle it. I have to keep showing up, keep good company, and keep my mind on His word.

What I’m holding onto

When I’ve tried to build discipline before, one missed day turned into a week, and then the guilt of the gap made it harder to come back. So I’m trying to protect whatever made these last good days possible, instead of just hoping the streak lasts.

I’m also trying to be honest about the excuses. Some of what pushes against me is real. Some of it is me, looking for a reason not to start.

I don’t have this figured out. But I’ve been pulled toward this my whole life, and I’m starting to believe that pull means something.

The plowing comes first. I’m plowing.

Lifting Others Up Without Putting Myself Down

Sun, 20 Sep 2026 00:00:00 GMT

I noticed something about myself that I’m not proud of.

When I compliment someone, I have a habit of shrinking myself in the same breath. Someone does something well, and my way of saying so turns into “you’re so much better at this than I am” or “I could never do that.” I told myself that was humility.

It isn’t. It’s closer to erasing myself.

I used to say it out loud

Recently I was watching a video where someone said they weren’t that smart. This was a person who has accomplished a lot, and you don’t get there without being smart. So I wrote to them and told them to stop saying that about themselves.

I told them I used to do the same thing, and I’ve come to realize what a negative impact it had on me.

That’s true. When you say something about yourself enough times, you start to believe it. And it doesn’t stay in the one moment where you said it. It follows you into the next hard thing you try.

What Sirach 10 says

This passage has become a touchstone for me:

“My son, glorify thy soul in meekness, and give it honour according to the dignity thereof. Who will justify him that sinneth against his own soul? and who will honour him that dishonoureth his own life?”

Sirach 10:28–29

Sirach is part of the Ethiopian Orthodox Bible.

What stands out to me is that it doesn’t treat tearing yourself down as a virtue. It almost reads like a court case. If you’re the one sinning against your own soul, who’s going to stand up and defend you? If you won’t honor your own life, why would you expect anyone else to?

And it still says in meekness. This isn’t permission to be arrogant. It’s asking for an honest measure: honor that matches what’s actually there. Not more. Not less.

Two sides of the same habit

I’ve noticed this shows up in me two ways:

When someone else is praised, I minimize what I bring.
When I make a mistake, I blow it up bigger than it is.

It looks like two different problems. It’s really the same one. In both cases I’m not letting the facts be the facts. I’m resizing them, and always in the direction that makes me smaller.

What I’m trying instead

I can say “you did great” and stop there. I don’t have to add “and I couldn’t have.” Their good work doesn’t need my failure next to it to count.

If someone compliments me, I can say “thank you” and leave it alone.

And when I’m about to call myself not smart enough, not disciplined enough, not whatever enough, I’m trying to ask whether that’s accurate or just a habit. Most of the time it’s a habit.

Seeing yourself honestly isn’t pride. Putting yourself down isn’t humility. I’m still learning the difference, but I’m learning it.

Is There Anything Left to Do?

Wed, 16 Sep 2026 00:00:00 GMT

I make mistakes more often than I’d like. Some of it is ADHD. I’m either too focused or not focused enough, and when I’m rushing, that’s when things slip.

Not long ago I had an important report due at work. I was pressed for time. I filled it out, had someone look it over, and sent it in before the deadline. Late that night, after 11, I realized the description had the wrong time in it. I also found out I’d sent the first version from someone else’s email account without noticing I was logged into it. So I fixed the report and sent it again.

It was fixed. But I didn’t let it go.

I kept replaying it. I kept thinking about how it looked. I worried that even with all the good things I do, people would start to see me as incompetent, and that if it kept happening, I could lose my job. Honestly, it was more than a little embarrassing.

Conviction and rumination aren’t the same thing

Somewhere in thinking this through, I got hold of a distinction that’s helped me.

Conviction is specific. It says, “That was wrong. Fix it.” Then you fix it, and it’s done.

Rumination loops. It doesn’t produce anything new. It just keeps treating something that’s already over like it’s still happening.

By the time I was lying there replaying that report, the conviction part was finished. I’d already corrected it and resent it. Everything after that was rumination. My mind was acting like thinking about it more would somehow make things safer. It doesn’t.

The question

So now, when I catch myself replaying something, I try to ask one question:

Is there anything left for me to do?

If there is, I do it. If there isn’t, I try to say it plainly: “There’s nothing left to do here.” Then I get up and do something else, even something small. It doesn’t shut the thought off right away. But it breaks the idea that more worrying equals more responsibility.

What Scripture says about it

Romans 8:1 says, “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus.” That word matters. Conviction says, “That was wrong, fix it.” Condemnation says, “You’re the kind of person who does this.” God gives us the first one. He doesn’t hand us the second.

Lamentations 3:22–23 says His compassions fail not and are new every morning. Not new once I’ve felt bad enough. New every morning.

And Sirach 10 is one I keep coming back to:

“My son, glorify thy soul in meekness, and give it honour according to the dignity thereof. Who will justify him that sinneth against his own soul? and who will honour him that dishonoureth his own life?”

Sirach 10:28–29

Sirach is part of the Ethiopian Orthodox Bible.

That hit me, because I have a habit of exaggerated self-condemnation. I do that a lot. I used to think beating myself up was a kind of humility. It isn’t. Tearing myself down isn’t more humble than seeing myself accurately. It’s just less true.

An honest version of that night sounds like this: I made a mistake under time pressure. I caught it. I fixed it. I’m putting some habits in place so it happens less.

Not: I’m unreliable.

What I’m doing differently

A few practical things I’m trying:

A short pause before sending anything important. Stand up, come back, read it once more.
Reading the key details out loud. My brain fills in what it expects when I read silently.
Checking which account I’m sending from, every time.
A short checklist for reports, even when I’m in a hurry. Especially when I’m in a hurry.

I’m still working on all of this. But I’m learning that once I’ve done what I can, I’m allowed to put it down.

Why I'm Writing These Down

Wed, 16 Sep 2026 00:00:00 GMT

I’ve been wanting to jot down some of the things I’m thinking about and put them out there.

Not because I think I’ve got everything figured out. I don’t. But every so often I catch myself thinking about something that actually helped me, and I don’t want to lose it. And it helps me to know that what I’m learning might be useful to somebody else too.

So this is where those thoughts are going to live.

Some of them will be raw. Just what was in my head that day, maybe said into my phone, maybe a little out of order. Some of them I’ll clean up so they’re easier to read. Either way, they’re my thoughts.

I’m not trying to make this into a big thing. No fancy pictures, nothing overdone. Just words, and hopefully words that mean something to whoever finds them.

If nobody reads this for a while, that’s fine. I’ll still be glad I wrote it down.

And if you’re reading it now, I hope something here holds up for you.